Who are we without the gaze of others? - Identity, recognition, and fragility of the Self starting with Emmanuel Carrère's The Moustache

Article written in collaboration with @valentina.salerno.psi

Identity as a relational construction

Personal identity is often thought of as something internal, stable, and autonomous, but clinical psychology and psychoanalysis show how it is the result of a deeply relational process. From the earliest stages of life, the Self is not constituted in isolation, but rather within an intersubjective field in which the gaze of the other plays a foundational function. Winnicott (1967) emphasizes how the child can only feel real to the extent that he is seen and reflected by a sufficiently good environment. Identity, therefore, is not a closed entity, but a dynamic construction that requires relational continuity. Without this continuity, the sense of existence can become fragile and intermittent. From this perspective, the other is not a simple spectator, but a co-constructor of the Self.

In his novel The Moustache, Carrère stages an identity crisis that arises precisely from a seemingly banal relational fracture. The protagonist shaves his mustache, a minimal and daily gesture, but the failure of his wife and friends to react introduces a radical dissonance between internal experience and shared reality (Carrère, 1986/2014). What is denied is not the aesthetic detail, but the very possibility of being recognized. This denial produces an identity blur that is not about “who am I”, but about “am I really?”. As Stern (1985) observes, the sense of Self emerges from the experience of being perceived as continuous and coherent over time. When this perception fails, the Self falters.

Clinically, this dynamic is far from exceptional. Many patients bring to therapy a sense of identity confusion that does not arise from an isolated intrapsychic conflict, but from a history of non-relational recognition. Identity does not collapse because the individual is weak, but because the symbolic fabric that sustains it disappears. In the absence of a gaze that confirms the experience, the subject may begin to doubt his own perception and memory. This doubt is not pathological in itself, but it can become so when it becomes chronic. The mustache makes this fundamental clinical truth visible, in narrative form.

The mirroring and function of the other

The concept of mirroring is central to understanding the link between recognition and identity. According to Kohut (1977), the Self needs self-objects that perform confirmation, validation and cohesion functions. Mirroring does not imply unconditional approval, but recognition of the subjective experience of the other. When a person is mirrored, they can organize their emotions and perceptions into a coherent narrative. This process allows the Self to maintain internal continuity even in the face of change. Without mirroring, experience remains fragmented and difficult to integrate. The result is a sense of identity instability.

In Carrère's novel, mirroring fails systematically. All significant characters deny the evidence perceived by the protagonist, producing a sort of symbolic void. This denial recalls dynamics that, in the clinical context, can be compared to gaslighting, or the repeated questioning of the perception of the other (Sweet, 2019). The protagonist is not contradicted on an opinion, but on the very reality of his experience. This dynamic progressively undermines epistemic trust, that is, the ability to trust one's perceptions and mental states (Fonagy et al., 2015). The doubt that emerges is not cognitive, but ontological.

From a therapeutic point of view, mirroring is one of the main tools for the reconstruction of the Self. Therapy offers a space where the patient experience is recognized as meaningful, even when it is confusing or contradictory. This does not mean confirming every content, but validating the existence of a subjective experience. When the patient feels seen, he or she can begin to reorganize his or her internal history. In the absence of such recognition, as The Moustache shows, the mind becomes trapped in a dialogue between the deaf. The novel thus becomes a powerful metaphor for the psychological consequences of a failure of mirroring

Derealization, depersonalization, and the fracture of shared reality

When external reality does not confirm internal experience, the mind can activate dissociative responses. Among these, derealization and depersonalization represent two frequent modes of reaction to relational stress. Derealization consists of the perception of the world as distant, artificial, or devoid of emotional consistency (Sierra, 2009). Depersonalization, on the other hand, concerns the Self and manifests itself as a feeling of alienation from oneself. In both cases, the subject does not lose touch with reality, but experiences a fracture in his experience. These states are often accompanied by anguish and confusion.

In the protagonist of The Moustache, the rift between the internal and external worlds progressively deepens. The repeated rejection of recognition produces an experience of unreality that involves both the Self and the surrounding environment. The world no longer appears reliable, because it does not respond according to shared expectations. This type of experience is well documented in the clinical literature, especially in relation to early relational trauma or disabling contexts (Van der Hart et al., 2006). Dissociation, in this sense, is not a sign of madness, but a strategy of psychic survival. It serves to protect the subject from unsustainable relational pain.

Clinically, it is essential to distinguish these states from a structured psychosis. Derealization and depersonalization are experiences in which the subject maintains a critical awareness of perceptual change. However, if the relational context continues to deny subjective experience, the risk is a progressive weakening of the boundaries of the Self. The mustache shows how the lack of a shared reality can push the mind into liminal territories. The literature, in this sense, anticipates and illuminates complex clinical dynamics.

Psychotic Anguish and Fear of Self-Disintegration

The anguish that emerges when recognition fails is not simple anxiety. In psychoanalytic terms, it is a primitive anguish, often defined as the anguish of disintegration. According to Bion (1962), the mind needs a relational container to transform raw emotional experiences into thoughts. When this containment function fails, the emotional experience becomes intolerable. Psychotic anguish is not about the fear of a specific event, but about the fear that the Self will dissolve. It is an objectless fear, but deeply destabilizing.

In Carrère's novel, the protagonist is not so much afraid of being wrong as of losing all point of reference. The denial of the mustache becomes the symbol of a reality that no longer responds. This produces a feeling of emptiness and radical isolation. As Laing (1960) observes, the loss of a shared reality can generate a sense of non-existence. The individual no longer knows where to place himself because there is a lack of common symbolic ground. Anguish arises precisely from this lack of anchoring.

In the clinical setting, such anxieties often emerge in patients with histories of disorganized attachment or repeated experiences of invalidation. Therapeutic work consists of slowly rebuilding a foundation of relational security. This process requires time, continuity, and a deep attention to subjective experience. The mustache reminds us how thin the line is between stability and identity collapse. Literature, once again, offers a valuable space for reflection to understand the complexity of the human mind.

The need for a shared reality and the role of therapy

Mental health cannot be thought of as an exclusively individual phenomenon. It is based on the possibility of sharing a symbolic reality with others. Berger and Luckmann (1966) showed how social reality is the product of an intersubjective construction. Without this construction, experience loses meaning. The need for validation is not a weakness, but a structuring function of the psyche. Being seen means being able to exist continuously.

In the therapeutic context, this function is reactivated through the relationship. The therapist becomes a witness to the patient's experience, offering a space where internal reality can be named and shared. This process does not eliminate pain, but makes it thinkable. As Fonagy (2001) points out, the ability to mentalize develops within relationships that recognize the mental states of the other. Therapy, in this sense, reconstructs a shared reality that allows the Self to regain cohesion. Recognition thus becomes a profoundly therapeutic act.

The mustache ends without offering a reassuring solution, but precisely for this reason it remains powerful. The novel forces us to confront an uncomfortable truth: without the other, the Self is fragile. Clinical psychology confirms this literary insight, showing how central recognition is to mental health. Reading Carrère, as psychologists, means recognizing fiction as a precious ally. Literature does not replace clinical practice, but enriches it with meaning.

Bibliographic References

Berger, P. L., & Luckmann, T. (1966). The social construction of reality. Anchor Books.

Bion, W. R. (1962). Learning from experience. Heinemann.

Carrère, E. (2014). I baffi (Trad. it.). Adelphi. (Opera originale pubblicata nel 1986)

Fonagy, P. (2001). Attachment theory and psychoanalysis. Other Press.

Fonagy, P., Luyten, P., & Allison, E. (2015). Epistemic petrification and the restoration of epistemic trust. Psychotherapy, 52(4), 1–15.

Kohut, H. (1977). The restoration of the self. International Universities Press.

Laing, R. D. (1960). The divided self. Tavistock.

Sierra, M. (2009). Depersonalization: A new look at a neglected syndrome. Cambridge University Press.

Stern, D. N. (1985). The interpersonal world of the infant. Basic Books.

Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.

Winnicott, D. W. (1967). Mirror-role of mother and family in child development. In Playing and reality. Tavistock.