Untying the Knots: Healing from Bullying Years Later
Article written in collaboration with @uniticontroilbullismo
Introduction
Bullying is often thought of as a problem of childhood and adolescence, something that ends with graduation or a change of school. Research and clinical practice tell a different story: for many people, the weight of that experience continues to be felt in adulthood, often in quiet ways that are hard to trace back to their origin. In this article, we use the metaphor of knots to understand why bullying leaves lasting marks, how they show up, and what it concretely means to untie them.
Why the Weight Remains
Bullying is defined as intentional, aggressive behavior repeated over time within a relationship marked by an imbalance of power (Olweus, 1993). It is the repetition, and the impossibility of escaping the situation, that makes it so impactful: day after day, those who experience it learn that their relational environment is not a safe place.
Longitudinal studies confirm that the effects do not end when school does. Copeland et al. (2013) followed a sample from childhood into adulthood and found that those who had been victims of bullying were at greater risk of anxiety disorders as adults. Wolke et al. (2013) showed that victims were more likely to experience health problems, difficulties at work, and difficulties building social relationships. Takizawa et al. (2014), following a British cohort for fifty years, found associations between childhood victimization and lower psychological well-being, more fragile social relationships, and poorer health decades later. A meta-analysis also linked being a victim of bullying to a higher risk of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation (Moore et al., 2017).
These findings describe associations and probabilities, not destinies: many people go through bullying and later thrive, and many factors, such as the support received, influence the outcome. But they show that the phenomenon deserves to be taken seriously even when "a lot of time has passed."
How the Knots Appear in Adulthood
The marks of bullying rarely announce themselves by name. More often, they emerge as recurring patterns in relationships and self-image.
Trust and relationships. In adulthood, remembering having been victimized has been linked to lower self-esteem and difficulties in friendships and intimate relationships (Schäfer et al., 2004). Someone who has learned that people can hurt may struggle to open up or, conversely, may continually seek reassurance.
The inner critic. The words endured often become the words we repeat to ourselves ("I'm wrong," "I'm a bother"). When a person could not defend themselves from the outside, they may end up internalizing the judging gaze.
Shame and guilt. Shame is one of the most tenacious emotions in this context: it concerns not what we have done, but who we believe we are. Brown (2010) describes how shame thrives in silence and isolation, and how contact with empathic people loosens its grip.
Body and alertness. Repeated experiences of threat can also leave traces in the body, in the form of hypervigilance and tension (van der Kolk, 2014). It should be noted that not every experience of bullying amounts to clinical trauma, but for some people its intensity and duration make it useful to read it in this light.
What It Means to Untie the Knots
Untying the knots does not mean forgetting or "getting over it quickly." It means changing our relationship with what happened. We can describe the process in four movements, which are not rigid stages but directions of work.
Awareness of the here and now. The first step is noticing what we feel in the present, recognizing when a current reaction (a fear, a withdrawal, a sudden anger) is fueled by past wounds. Without this recognition, the knots remain invisible and continue to guide behavior.
Letting go of guilt. Many victims wonder what they did to "deserve it." Responsibility for bullying, however, belongs to those who commit it and to the context that tolerates it, not to those who endure it. In this work, self-compassion can help: an attitude toward oneself made up of kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness, as an alternative to self-criticism (Neff, 2003).
Giving yourself time and seeking support. Letting go is a slow and effortful process. In her model of trauma recovery, Herman (1992) emphasizes that healing involves establishing safety, remembering and mourning what happened, and reconnecting with others. The support of a professional or a safe network of loved ones is not a sign of weakness but a condition that makes the process possible: we heal in relationships, not in spite of them.
Reclaiming your space. The final movement concerns identity. Bullying imposes an external, humiliating definition of the self. Untying the knots means ceasing to define ourselves through other people's eyes and beginning to build identity on our own values, strengths, and desires. This is creative work, not merely reparative: it is about who we want to become, as well as what we free ourselves from.
Conclusion
Bullying can leave knots that last longer than the experience that created them, but they are not permanent. Recognizing them, freeing ourselves from a guilt that does not belong to the victim, allowing ourselves time and support, and reclaiming our identity are concrete, achievable steps. Those who recognize themselves in these words can know that what they feel has an explanation, and that talking with a professional is a way of taking care of oneself.
References
Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden.
Copeland, W. E., Wolke, D., Angold, A., & Costello, E. J. (2013). Adult psychiatric outcomes of bullying and being bullied by peers in childhood and adolescence. JAMA Psychiatry, 70(4), 419–426. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2013.504
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—From domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
Moore, S. E., Norman, R. E., Suetani, S., Thomas, H. J., Sly, P. D., & Scott, J. G. (2017). Consequences of bullying victimization in childhood and adolescence: A systematic review and meta-analysis. World Journal of Psychiatry, 7(1), 60–76. https://doi.org/10.5498/wjp.v7.i1.60
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying at school: What we know and what we can do. Blackwell.
Schäfer, M., Korn, S., Smith, P. K., Hunter, S. C., Mora-Merchán, J. A., Singer, M. M., & van der Meulen, K. (2004). Lonely in the crowd: Recollections of bullying. British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 22(3), 379–394. https://doi.org/10.1348/0261510041552756
Takizawa, R., Maughan, B., & Arseneault, L. (2014). Adult health outcomes of childhood bullying victimization: Evidence from a five-decade longitudinal British birth cohort. American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(7), 777–784. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.13101401
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
Wolke, D., Copeland, W. E., Angold, A., & Costello, E. J. (2013). Impact of bullying in childhood on adult health, wealth, crime, and social outcomes. Psychological Science, 24(10), 1958–1970. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797613481608
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